Dear Kate Middleton,

Wow. Congratulations! You are one lucky girl. Or are you? Maybe Prince William is the lucky one. Who knows? Us peasants really don’t know a lot about either of you other than what the tv shows think is important. Actually, I’m American so I’m not technically a subject.

I kind of get your style sense (and I am secretly very happy you’re not blonde for some reason) and its OK– a little conservative for me, but I suppose it will just get moreso after the big wedding day.

I have to say that I’m pretty jealous about all the amazing hats you’re going to have to wear from now on. I’ve seen some crazy hats on some of your future in-laws and I’m all for that. You should set a trend and start putting fruit and birds and action figures in your chapeaus. That would be really interesting for us to see. Because the truth of the matter is that we don’t actually know if you’re even a nice person. I mean, do you yell at people who are trying to help you? Or do you treat everyone the same? Do you blame other people when something goes wrong, or do you speak up and so “no, that was my dumb move.”

I’m hoping we’ll get a chance to know you at least through the kind of charity work you’ll be doing. Do you get to pick that stuff? I hope so. I have some recommendations and they mostly have to so with helping kids to read and write. I also have this soft spot for elephants, so keep them in mind when you’re narrowing down your causes, OK?

Anyway, I have been following your future family tree quite closely for the past few years and (please don’t tell my parents– it was pretty steamy) I actually watched the entire four seasons of “The Tudors” which I got through Netflix. You might want to rent that before the nuptials because I think it may give you some insight about your future family. That King Henry VIII was a murderous lunatic by the way. Beware.

As far as the wedding, I wouldn’t recommend anything too frilly or lacy. That’s so 1983. I’m not a big fan of ruffles, but I’m a sucker for a gorgeous veil and a unique bouquet.

Do you get to have bridesmaids? Please, please don’t make it a rainbow wedding where every bridesmaid has to wear a different color. That is so tacky.I had to be a lady in waiting at my cousin’s Quincenera once and they forced me to wear a burgundy velvet drop waisted dress with a huge rose on my right hip and big puffy sleeves. It was awful.

Anyway, Prince William seems like a genuinely nice guy. I admire his willingness to get his hands dirty, work hard and not party like a rock star. That’s impressive. I do hope that you both are each other’s BFF and that you get your happily ever after. If you ever need a serious reality check as you carry out your royal duties (or need someone to go to the movies with), just let me know. Cheerio from your Yankee friend.

Always,

Capra

P.S. I am sending this letter to:

Kate Middleton
The Spotlight
7 Leicester Place
London, WC2H 7RJ
UK

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