I’m impressed. First, I have to admit that I’m not that into the whole late night talk show thing. It’s a bit unnerving flipping the channels when everyone is reading or asleep and seeing a slew of white guys in suits slinging jokes at me. But apparently Benadryl (which is supposed to make people sleepy) actually has the opposite affect on me. The other night I was having a severe allergic reaction to the colony of feral cats the crazy old man next door is harboring. I can take one cat, but three dozen is a bit much. Sorry– I’m rambling and still sort of loopy from the obvious overmedication I’ve had to endure the last few days. What was I saying? Oh yeah. I am impressed. I just watched this interview you did with Dr. Michio Kaku, the theoretical physicist who was trying to explain string theory and time travel to what I’m sure was a totally drunk audience.
I know you had sort of a wacky 2010. You had this dream to be on The Tonight Show and to continue this decades old comedy legacy that was started by Jack Paar and masterfully refined by Johnny Carson. But then what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. Jay Leno happened. Why would you want to follow in his footsteps? He’s not funny. Everybody know that. The Tonight Show was this sparkly prom dress ready for fun and a twirl on the dance floor, and Jay Leno was like a glass of spiked punch that spilled over it. Nobody wants to dance after that. I can see going on after Johnny, but Jay? I think not.
So then you got fired and people had all these emotions around it. It was weird. People really, really love you. But you’re on TV. How can you love someone you don’t even know? Easy. You love people when they make you laugh, let you in on the joke, tell you something new, change your mind and give you a break from yourself. I wish more people could love so fiercely in 3D.
Anyway, I was thinking that since you had Dr. Kaku on talking about the real possibility of time travel, you’d be open to some other smarty pants-type people who could really be entertaining. I’m guessing that TBS is pretty much letting you do whatever the heck want, and so it should be. It’s Conan time. So, here are my suggestions on guests you should book right away:
Stephen Fry: Make sure you ask him about, well, anything. He is so damn interesting and an actual actor with real Hollywood credits. You’d like him.
Daniel Suelo: Good luck finding this guy. He has lived without money since 2000. No joke– he hasn’t spent a penny in 11 years. How does he do that?
Dr. Wangari Maathai: She left Kenya to come to the U.S. to study. Six years later, she returned to a country that had cut down most of its trees. She convinced women to plant new ones despite the horrible people in charge. Oh, and she has a Nobel Peace Prize. Where is she now?
John Perkins: Used to be one of the bad guys but has since redeemed himself with books like Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, Hoodwinked and The Secret History of the American Empire. If you don’t jump on this, Jon Stewart will.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I totally understand you need to book people like Jessica Simpson to keep your audience. I’m not asking you to be Oprah, I’m just saying that you can mix it up if you want to. You’re the real star, anyway. Make ‘em laugh.
P.S. I am sending this letter to:
AGENT: Rick Rosen, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment; 9601 Wilshire Blvd., 3rd Floor, Beverly Hill, CA 90210; 310-248-2000; http://wmeentertainment.com/